R.I.P. Patch.
I want to say I'm sorry though it's not my fault.
I'm sorry I wasn't there.
You were a good dog.
An exceptional dog.
I'm so sorry.
Rest in Peace.

So I made a new LJ, so if ginnytimebomb adds you, it's just my new account that I set up to be the more light hearted of the two because this one has really taken a turn for serious, my friends.

If I forget to add you, then go ahead and add it. Thanks.

I could never be good. I could never gamble. I could never offer anything up. I put my heart in everything and then I take it back after I show a losing hand. No one wants it and neither do I. I'm no good at anything and I'm hiding in myself. I think that the most rediculous thing about me is that I'm hoping to see people I used to know when I go to Columbia to visit Jaime. My heart feels strange today. Every second I'm inclined to smile more, I'm only fighting the urge to drop my armor and walk away. Every bit of this is exhausting. Fighting and fighting and fighting. My heart hurts so bad and I know that I'm losing. I probably shouldn't write about things like this, not where everyone can see them, but I don't care. I don't care about the everyone who isn't reading. What I do care about is feeling. I care about these waves that keep hitting me. Every touch has a feeling behind it. Every single touch and some times a touch comes out wrong and I react violently. I hate that, I hate reacting incorrectly to a touch. They seem to believe there's nothing behind it, but for me, there's everything. Then I can't breathe. I think I'm losing. Losing. Losing. The worst thing is trusting the professionals are right. The worst thing is lying all the time. As much as I miss my father and staying there, I was a liar. I was telling them nothing. No one ever asks the right questions. No one ever fucking asks the right questions and I can't just answer the questions they wouldn't dream of asking. Goddamnit, I wish I'd talked more. I wish that I had spoken just fucking once. Let them know I have a voice. All my life, I've heard the same words on repeat. Fuck, fuck, fuck you broken record people. Yes, yes, I fucking talk and I think and I'm human goddamnit. I don't know what's wrong with me or why I'm so suddenly angry or why only half my heart is in this anger because the other half is beating too fast because I can't breathe. I think my asthma's acting up or maybe I'm just being crazy. I wish that I could talk to someone about this. I wish that I could talk to someone right now because I'm changing into someone else and what can I say to...anyone. I'm not who I was or am I still. I don't know. I don't know what I'm saying or where this is going. I just needed to clear my head. I hate the things I write. I whine far too much for a girl who has such a good life. Sometimes I want to slam my head into a wall when I say I have a good life because I know exactly how much is wrong in it and it's hard to pretend to be positive. I mean, let's face it, things in my life are about as good as having a knife pointed at you. Nothing's really exceptionally good lately. I mean, it's all falling to pieces, but it never was whole. Sometimes I just expect that I'll end up old and sad and working a nine to five job that I hate and going to speed dating sessions and eating chicken over my sink. Damnit. Now I've gone and ruined a Sunday. Sundays have a lot of thought. I'm never going to look for anyone again. Damnit, damnit, damnit. My heart's in all the wrong places. Fuck. Goodbye.

Oh, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. The invisibility complex is resurfacing. All of me is fading into non-existance. The worst part is that I know me. I know me, so, so well and I hate that. Knowing yourself means that you can't even fucking pretend that...just fuck. Ughildhkd. I can't fix this. I can't fix myself, change myself into a better person. Someone who doesn't use others to make herself feel like she has worth. I don't even do that though, so I don't know why I feel like I do. I always keep distance so that no one thinks...they all just get the wrong idea about me. I don't want them. I don't want any of them. Any of the them that want me and I don't even understand it. I'm so happy with myself, but so unhappy at the same time. I don't know what I want. I want...something. I want a woman to be with and care for and be okay with. I just need to forget what I can't. I just need to forget, forget, forget because once I do it'll be easier. There will be nothing for me to ruin. Damnit. I just feel like I should search everyone's minds. Look for myself in them. That's stupid, isn't it? I just want to know that I exist to someone else. I just want to know that someone's missing me. I don't know how my emotions switch so fast, but now I'm just alone. Just me and me and me and a man who fancies me, but I don't want him because I'm realizing again that I don't really want any man. Or a small handfull of men. Really, I think I'd just like to be them, not be with them. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I need to stop trying to label myself and stop lying. This is all stupid. I'm finished. I'm finished. I'm finished. Goodbye.

It feels really strange today. I feel kind of like myself, but also like I'm about to go on a long journey and what I need is a good woman to phone home to. It's strange how this feeling takes over. I feel like I should be wearing a uniform. I feel like I should be a man. Maybe a hitchhiker, maybe a travelling puppeteer, maybe an army man, maybe a door-to-door salesman. Everything feels fiction and real. It's like being in love and happy and sad and mixed up. My mind is a cocktail drink. My heart is a folk rock song. Everything is just amazing. I don't know what I should do. There are swings outside and I want to go swing back and forth and back and forth. Things are good. I feel whole and like part of me is missing all at the same time. I think my heart's beating like it never did before. It's silly how these things happen. I don't know if I should laugh or cry. Just shake my head and stare. Things are changing everyday, my friends. Things are changing everyday. I don't think there's anything wrong with me now. Today is a good day. Goodbye.

I'm just so unsatisfied with myself now. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I hate everything about me and I make lists of things that I hate now and I don't ever feel good. I'm not sure what it is, but I have to fix it soon. I can't say that it's returning to my family drama as a moment ago I thought maybe it was because while I was in Chicago I was feeling this way. So unhappy with me. I just...I don't know. I cry too much. I'm such a fucking idiot. I just don't know how to fix myself or if there's actually even anything wrong with me. I just used to feel so free and now I'm just so trapped by everything. I'm not beautiful anymore and I'm not okay either. I'm fat and repulsive and every time someone tells me otherwise I just feel like they wouldn't feel the same way if...I don't know. God. I just want to feel good again like I used to. I just want to not hate myself. I don't know about anything anymore, but sticking around is going to be hard. I really need to go find someone. I need to feel okay. Damnit, damnit, damnit. Why did I fall to pieces?

Now I'm in South Carolina. Anderson more precisely. It's pretty exhausting keeping up with a one year old despite their need for naps. They just always need to be doing something. Not really intellectual beings. I really miss talking to people, friends. Not people. I miss talking, well, writing, to my correspondents. The man asked to go to bed with me. It's all a joke until someone gets blocked. Really, it all just makes me want to shield myself. I want to tell him that I've become a lesbian. I want to tell him that I'm seeing someone. I want to tell him that I've decided to devote my life to the Lord and am becoming a nun. Sadly, all would be false as I have no gender preference, no love affair, and no mind for religion. I don't know why I don't have it in me to lie. All lying forces have just dropped or something. I don't know. I just want to feel like someone cares what's going on in my head and doesn't just want, well, yeah. Or I don't know, I mean, jeez, there should be both at least. Big Sigh. I think that I really want to be involved with someone again, just not that sort of someone. Maybe I'm really not cut out for dating men. I don't much care either way. Man, woman, I'd just very much like to be in a relationship. Preferably a good one that I won't end after two weeks or two days or some other incredibly short period of time. I don't want things to be mediocre. I want to be happy, but with someone else. I told Kira some secret truth last night and she said she'd kind of always been waiting to hear it. Heh. None of my secrets are so secret because everyone always knows, they just don't mention it. That's why I kind of think that my father knows about the part of the story where I wasn't dating boys. I really don't feel well at all today. I'm so tired and my stomach seems to be doing cartwheels. I don't know. I'm just going to end this here as my mind has wandered to the mundane. Goodbye.

Everything is just making me completely sick lately. I'm sick of ninety fucking percent of the conversations I've been having lately. I'm not even sure if I'm sick of them because they're awful conversations or because my mind isn't there. This man who kept hitting on me is treating me like a piece of meat and the way that I just take it makes me want to vomit. Everything has me all mixed up. I don't trust anyone anymore and I'm not even here. Something happened and I'm suddenly so disconnected from the world. I just want someone to pull me outside myself for just a moment because right now I'm so aware of my presence behind my eyes. I feel so far away. I'm just so sickened by everything and I don't know if there's anything I can do to fix it. How did I get so caught up in other people's cheap realities? How did I get so lost? Now I'm leaving and part of me wants to stay and part of me wants to never come back. Part of me wants to never go back anywhere. Just runaway as fast as my fucking legs can carry me. Get out of everyone's cheap realities. I don't want to meet, I don't want to talk. I don't want anything. I just feel like I'm going to be sick. It's like I'm trying to reject my own heart. I feel like there's a parasite in me or something. I just don't know who I am anymore or why I'm speaking like I am or why I'm not speaking. Who am I now? Who have I become? Why do I feel like I've just been taken off life support? Why can't I just tell him to bugger off? I'm not a piece of meat, you know. Is this him or is this me? By not saying anything, have I accepted a role as a piece of meat? I keep getting compliments lately, but I don't even want them. No one wants to know who I am. No one just wants to fucking know. All they want is to say their fucking sentence. "You're pretty." I don't fucking care, I don't fucking care what you think. I just want the chance to say what's on my mind without it wandering back to how attractive you think I am. I know this is a silly thing to bicker over, but this isn't right. Maybe that's what's got me. This isn't right and I know it. Not so much that they're saying it, that they're saying it about this. Me this way. I just want to hide. Maybe I need to go back to South Carolina. The only person who knows about stuff is there and maybe. I don't know. I just feel so disconnected. I'm not even here. I don't know what to do. All I know is that there is this part of me that wants to be invisible. Part of me wants to run away. Part of me wants someone to just punch me so I can feel something. Make me bleed. I don't know. I feel like I've swallowed pills for the numb. I can't even exist. This is all wrong and I just wish someone would give me the chance. Someone just give me the fucking chance to say what's on my mind. Why can't I talk? Why can't I explain myself? I need a friend. I need someone. Maybe it'll be nice. To be around family. Or maybe I'll just keep hiding. Do things get better after you disappear? Because I think I've disappeared and now she's taken my place. I don't feel good at all. Someone please just explain this to me. Just tell me what to do. Tell me the cause. Help, help, help me to understand why I feel like this.

The past is tugging at my mind.

Goodnight.

I'm so sorry that I wasn't myself today. I'm so sorry that I couldn't talk. I'm so sorry that there's this block up that keeps me from saying all that I want to say. I'm so sorry that part of me is breaking. I'm so so sorry that things seem to be changing. I'm so sorry that I can't be the girl that everyone wants me to be. I'm sorry that every molecule of me is shouting to run. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Just every ounce of me is aching with knowledge. I'm just not sure what it is that I now know so well. I feel like someone's pressed me against a wall and their arm is to my throat. I can feel my heart beating so fast and can't hardly breathe. Everything's just become so complicated. Life is this dreadful mess right now and the only person that I feel I can talk to is so, so far away. I don't even know how, but they've wiggled their way in and even when I'm not thinking about it there's a feeling. Certain things give me this feeling, like a temperature or a smell or a touch. It makes no sense, but that's the way it is. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just so, so sorry that I can't tell. Goodbye.

I don't know what's wrong with me today. A distinct fascination with everything. I should be doing laundry right now. I should be packing. I'm scared that my records will get damaged on the journey, so I might just leave them here. I think I just don't want to pack because I won't be packing the packages that should've arrived by now. I really hope they get here soon. I hope that the mail truck they're on is just running late. I hope they get here tonight or tomorrow morning before I go. I really was hoping to have new CDs and zines to occupy my mind whilst I was on the bus/train/plane. Part of me wants to go on a train because I've not been on trains much in my life and I do love them quite a bit. They just have really long layovers though and I'd really rather not wait a few hours in the trainstation in the middle of the night by myself. I just though of something! If I was at the layover in VA, then maybe Krista could visit me at the train station while I waited. That'd be great. I don't know though, my mother's searching for tickets. Then I'll be headed to SC and to take care of Kira and the babies and hopefully not Kelly because I really have no desire to make dinner for him or do his laundry because he is far too lazy. Kira can't move around too much and babies are babies. So they have an excuse. He, however, is just plain lazy. Grumble, grumble, grumble. My ears hurt and I think I pulled a muscle in my back. Constant physical pains. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Insecurity. I hope my packages get here soon, but they'll probably arrive the day after I leave. That's just the way things go.